Lurking

I have this nagging feeling, like a lurking shadow, that I'm not yet well.  I have been feeling good.  I felt like it was the right decision to go off of my medication that was providing only moderate help.  I have been optimistic.  Yet the shadow is there.  Am I really better?

I have had a less than stellar few days.  I notice it in my unwillingness to undertake the effort of a shower.  I see it in the number of days my kids go without a bath.  I recognize it in my complete disinterest in what to eat.  I don't really feel like going anywhere.  We don't have any milk or cat food.  I have piles of work that I want to do on my desk.  And I really don't care.

I have been moody.  Any yelling or disobedience sends me into a frenzy, trying to control my own frustrated temper.  Crying children make me want to cover my ears and hide in the corner.  I am shouting again.  Am I not better?

I cancelled plans with a friend last night.  Is that a telltale sign or is it simply that I wanted to watch the video I had started?  I've been reading a lot.  Do I love the plot or am I avoiding my feelings?  Is there really any way to tell?

Each of these questions strengthens the sense of doom that shadows have always brought me.  I so desperately want to be better.  I don't want to believe that I need medication to be normal.  Maybe this is just the aftermath of going off of a progressive medication.  That's the trickiest part of mental health.  There's no real way to measure health, except by how one feels, and I feel this complex web of feelings that just won't unwind enough for me to tell and the worry is lurking.