It's been so long since I used writing to work through what was going on in my head. There are a few reasons for that, not least of which is fear. I was ready to wrap this part of me in a shroud, let it die quietly somewhere unseen and gone forever. I wasn't ready. I was desperate. You see, I'm afraid that all of the strides and positive steps I have taken would be undone by honesty. Honesty that I'm not doing great. That I'm never really doing great. There are parts of my life, of my day-to-day that are great, but overall, I always struggle. I might always struggle.
When my life looks right, so many people who love me breathe a sigh of relief. Thank god that's over. She's herself again. We can all get back to normal life. So, for their sake, I want my life to look right. Sadly, it looking right on the outside and it feeling wrong in the inside is a pretty narrow tightrope I walk and no one but me even knows I need a safety net, much less that I can't see one.
The irony is that it was honesty that provided so much healing in the first place, back then. So, I thought I'd try it on again, like an old dress that used to make me feel glamorous. It doesn't fit the same, just like my dresses. They're still them, but I'm not me. Honesty is strength, but I am weak.
In some ways, rock bottom was easy. When you have nothing left to lose, why not bare it all? It felt good and empowering. Though I'm sure it would offer the same sense of strength, now there is so much to lose....credibility, reputation, friendships, the comfort of those who no longer feel they have to worry for me.
But I feel the panic rising up in me again. It's been building recently. It's loss and gain. As losses trigger sadness and that desperation to protect, gain triggers that sense of something to lose, and I feel a shadow creeping along behind me, ready to overtake me. It's fear of the unknown, which for so long felt like adventure when things were better. Maybe I'm simply destined to live in the in between, not quite good, not terrible. Maybe I publish this but tell no one, walking that line....not full exposure, but not quite hiding. Maybe.
