Friday, January 31, 2014

Frozen

Every once in a while, there's something that touches my soul a little.  When I was younger, it happened all the time.  I remember leaving movies with my skin tingling, feeling like my life had changed for good.  I used to pore over song lyrics to find just the right reflection of my emotions at that moment.  Those experiences made me feel alive, which is probably why it's been a long time since I've felt that way.

I've had moments where I forgot all that goes on in my life while I spend two hours with characters in a movie or play.  I've fallen in love with a song here and there.  Unfortunately, now, most of those activities are distractions, more than experiences.  I'm so locked up inside that I'm either in my head, fretting, or I'm doing anything else, avoiding.  Sure, I laugh and cry at movies.  Yes, I sing along with music I listen to.  I enjoy them, but I haven't felt them, in a long time.  I've been frozen.

Imagine my surprise when all of this awareness was unlocked by the newest Walt Disney feature, Frozen.  I saw the movie with my kids last week.  It was done as well as Disney always does.  I laughed and cried and smiled at my children's joy during their first theater movie!  Because they are such big Elsa and Anna fans, pretending to be Elsa running away and Anna chasing, I bought them the soundtrack.  Kaia loves, "Do You Want to Build a Snowman" while Mikko's favorite is, "Let It Go."

I sing my littles lullabies before they drift off to sleep.  I have a wide repertoire of show tunes, from Les Mis to Chess to Lion King.  I'm always eager to add to the list and looked to the lyrics of "Let It Go," so I could sing it to their delight.

The first time I listened to all of the words of this song, I got choked up.  It's not a particularly amazing song, but it is powerful in its meaning when I applied it to my life.  "Couldn't keep it in / Heaven knows I tried . . . Don't let them in / Don't let them see / Be the good girl you always have to be / Conceal / Don't feel / Don't let them know . . . Well, now they know!"  "It's funny how some distance / Makes everything seem small / And the fears that once controlled me / Can't get to me at all."  There's more, but it's silly to share the whole song.  It won't mean the same to you as it means to me.

While the lyrics moved me, what was more important about the experience for me was the feeling.  I felt, and it was deep, and it changed me.  This isn't quite earth shattering stuff, but I got goosebumps and a shiver, and I felt something that wasn't fear or panic.  It was also an awakening.  I so often miss these things that I am emotionally capable of.  I feel so lost and dark so much of the time that I forget that I have these moments of great aliveness.  It was good to be reminded and in such a simple, easy way.

Thursday, January 30, 2014

Hovering

I'm hovering just below the surface of okay and just above the depths of disaster.  It's my very own purgatory.  I go through spurts where I stay in bed for hours and then get up and "accomplish" for hours.  This is where it started for me before.  Things look fine from the outside, but I'm struggling every moment on the inside.

I'm aware of it this time, whereas before I just felt out of control.  I know that when my mind starts to spin in circles, it's okay to just let that drift around me, that I won't be able to sort it out and solve it all.  At the same time, I am questioning every thing that I do again.  Am I too lax with my kids' behavior?  Is my house unreasonably messy?  Did I spend two days in bed because I was really that sick or was it an excuse not to have to live that day?  What else should I be doing?

Every time I give myself a break, I think it's related to strength.  I'm too lazy to parent my kids better.  A better person would keep a better house.  Three years ago, when I was working my ass off, I wouldn't have taken two days off of work; I've gotten soft.  I do nothing anymore.

I'm back there.  I do have some cognizance, so it's not so dire yet, but it's pretty devastating to be here again and so soon after things looked so bright.  (Dialog in my head:  "Maybe you're just moody.  If you just made a little more effort, you could be back there.  Nothing has changed, just stop mooning over yourself."  Sigh.)

Sunday, January 26, 2014

Those days

There are always those days where you think you have it together.  Then you go through moments of chaos and think you've fallen apart completely.  The aftermath is unknown.  On the one hand, you've always known what is rational.  On the other hand, what feels rational feels crazy, in the moment.

So tonight I am grateful for those brave souls that listen to what's really happening, honestly reflect and let me be on my way.  Friends are amazing .

Saturday, January 25, 2014

Patching the Cracks

Yesterday, I succumbed to a very, very dark mood.  I felt like there were cracks in the foundation of my recovery.  Well, today I'm patching those cracks.

One of the hardest things for me when I was in the depths of my depression was not slipping deeper day after day.  So, my first step I'm taking with my mind over matter attitude is to fight that with everything I've got.  I got up today and went to yoga.  As often seems to happen, when you take one happy step forward, happy things follow.  I was greeted warmly by my yoga teacher training instructor and reminded that training starts in only two weeks!  I came home to sort through my Wildtree order and prep for my three parties this weekend and was reminded that I really enjoy doing this and that it's going rather well.  Then I got an email in my inbox for a class I'm taking through Coursera called Soul Beliefs:  Causes and Consequences.  I figure the best way to figure out my life is to immerse myself in rediscovering it on all fronts.

I'm filling my recently empty and broken life back up with teacher training, work, Wildtree, learning, staying at home with my loves.  Filling up feels really, really good this time around.  I haven't enjoyed my down time nearly as much as I do when I'm busy.  So, busy is a good step for me.  I just have to make sure I'm busy with the right things and I feel like I'm on the right path to succeed at that goal.

So there's a little sunshine after yesterday's stormy day.

Friday, January 24, 2014

Cracks

My children just snuck into my office and apologized for jumping on their beds.  See, I'm in here sobbing after I shouted at them and slammed the door and they think it's their fault.  I asked them to stop jumping on their beds and they ignored me.  Then I raised my voice.  Then I shouted as loud as I could.  Then I gave up, told them to do whatever they wanted and slammed the door.  This is not the reaction of a mother who has it together.  This is the reaction of someone who is still broken, still marred by depression.  They think it's their fault.

I was short with them all day, all week really.  It's like I don't know what to do with myself if they won't listen the first time.  I used to be patient and creative.  I used to talk to them until I was sure they heard me.  Now I scream thinking that the neighbors must be hearing me too.

I want to be better so badly.  That's why I'm crying.  It's not because I yelled once.  It's not even because I yelled all day.  It's because I don't want them to remember this version of me as who their mom is.  I don't want this to be who I am.

The Struggle

Ugh, I remember this.  I remember the internal struggle when I'm not sure whether I'm having a rough day, if I'm being moody or if my depression is seeping back in.  If it's a rough day, there's nothing wrong with wallowing in it.  I can read a book, drink some Coke, eat some junk food and call it a day.  If I'm being moody, I should knock it off.  I have a good life, a great family, wonderful friends, the flexibility, support and means to pursue my dreams and not stay in an unhealthy place.  I must practice mind over matter.  If it's depression, I have to be very careful.  I have to reconsider my decision to stop taking anti-depressants.  I have to practice the skills I've learned to combat the negative thoughts.  I have to accept that it is an illness and no mastery of mind over matter will make a difference.

The struggle is that, like so many illnesses, depression mimics normal, day-to-day maladies.  I can pretty easily rule out a rough day.  I woke up with my sick baby girl snuggled against me and feeling better.  My little dude has been happily playing trains all morning.  My oldest and her friends kept me company while I made them breakfast.  We have plans to take the kids to the movies this afternoon.  There's nothing rough about this day.

So the real question I am grappling with is whether this is mood or depression.  Have I forgotten to be grateful for all of the wonderful things in my life again?  Am I simply succumbing to boredom?  Am I the kind of person that gets cranky because everything isn't perfect?  What could it be if it isn't depression?

That's the scarier question because I think the answer is "nothing."  There's nothing going on in my life that would cause the kind of agitation I've been feeling over the past few days.  I'm taking things personally that aren't phrased in a personal way.  I'm feeling inadequate.  I'm crying.  That feels to me like depression and while I know I wasn't cured, because you're never really free of depression, I thought I was better, stronger, stable.  It's crushing to think that it's all lurking so close to the surface that three weeks without medication could drop me back where I was.

Okay, not where I was, exactly.  Recent relapses aside, I'm no where near where I was.  I won't ever let my depression get that bad again.  I have taken medication to get over the hump before and I am willing to do it again.  But how long do I fight on my own without the support of psychotropic medications?  I'm going to give it a bit of time.  I know so much more about combating depression than I did.  I want to believe that I'm stronger.  I want to believe that I know more.  Sadly, I'm not convinced.

So, I will do the things I've been taught.  I will keep lists of the happy things in life, starting with my supportive husband, my beautiful, loving children, my sweet puppy, my wonderful family and my incredible friends.  I am about to embark on a new journey with my yoga teacher training.  I'm working on a business venture that doesn't make me want to poke my own eyes out, in Wildtree.  I get to spend days with my children.  I am writing again.

I will practice cognitive behavioral therapy and challenge myself when I think I'm worthless.  I will reconsider words like "failure," "disaster," and "miserable."  I won't dwell in my disappointments, but focus on the positive.  I will remember to trust those who love me and question my own thoughts when mine are negative and theirs are not.

Most importantly, I will continue to pay attention.  Awareness was what I was missing in the beginning of all of this.  I was so far gone that I felt nothing, noticed nothing and wasted so much time.  I won't do that again.  I will continue to write, which enlightens me to my own emotions.  And I will always fight.

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Lurking

I have this nagging feeling, like a lurking shadow, that I'm not yet well.  I have been feeling good.  I felt like it was the right decision to go off of my medication that was providing only moderate help.  I have been optimistic.  Yet the shadow is there.  Am I really better?

I have had a less than stellar few days.  I notice it in my unwillingness to undertake the effort of a shower.  I see it in the number of days my kids go without a bath.  I recognize it in my complete disinterest in what to eat.  I don't really feel like going anywhere.  We don't have any milk or cat food.  I have piles of work that I want to do on my desk.  And I really don't care.

I have been moody.  Any yelling or disobedience sends me into a frenzy, trying to control my own frustrated temper.  Crying children make me want to cover my ears and hide in the corner.  I am shouting again.  Am I not better?

I cancelled plans with a friend last night.  Is that a telltale sign or is it simply that I wanted to watch the video I had started?  I've been reading a lot.  Do I love the plot or am I avoiding my feelings?  Is there really any way to tell?

Each of these questions strengthens the sense of doom that shadows have always brought me.  I so desperately want to be better.  I don't want to believe that I need medication to be normal.  Maybe this is just the aftermath of going off of a progressive medication.  That's the trickiest part of mental health.  There's no real way to measure health, except by how one feels, and I feel this complex web of feelings that just won't unwind enough for me to tell and the worry is lurking.

Monday, January 20, 2014

Interpretations

I had a dream last night that left me uneasy and stressed.  I couldn't figure out what exactly about it bothered me until I spoke it out loud to another person.  In the dream, I was studying abroad with several other students.  Six of us were in a car driving to or from a wedding, I don't recall.  The driver declared that she was drunk just as we passed an unmarked police car.  She panicked and I took the wheel from the back seat.  I could hardly reach, much less see, but I maneuvered the car until we were pulled over, as expected.  Everyone hopped out of the car and I was left sitting in the backseat, although I expected to be fingered as the driver, since, technically, I was driving.  I suppose it protected me from prosecution because it was clear I wasn't the "driver," yet I felt responsible for the safety of the passengers and protecting the driver from trouble.

When the officer questioned us, I kept my mouth shut.  The rest of the group said more than enough.  He decided not to charge the driver, but he did take me aside.  He questioned why I hadn't said anything.  I was put on the spot and scared.  I said that, in my experience, it's best to speak only when spoken to when talking in terms of authorities.  I think I've grown to believe that involving myself on the behalf of others will do me harm.

I think I've lived a lot of my life feeling responsible for fixing the errors of others.  To a large degree, it's what lawyers do.  It's why we are needed.  Just like the nice girl who made an error in judgment to drive a car when she was impaired, many of these people are not horrible people, but when put in a position of fighting for themselves, they forget that I meant to be helping.  And maybe, while meaning to be helping, I'm doing no one any good anyway.  Maybe I'm simply allowing others to get away with making a mess of things and having someone to charge with the cleanup.  Maybe this world is just a little to hard for the likes of me.  It's very unnerving to feel like a victim, to feel like I've suffered "trauma."  Yet that's what they call it when I speak to therapists, psychiatrists, and social workers.  I am warned not to subject myself to too much, lest I re-traumatize myself.

So I've made the choice to seek softer avenues.  It still makes me feel weak and I still feel responsible for so much that I have no control over.  It has been, without a doubt, an overriding theme in my downfall.  On the other hand, I'm taking back some control by removing myself from scenarios like those I've walked away from and those that mirror my dream.  Here's hoping for more soothing dreams tonight and less trauma moving forward.

Friday, January 17, 2014

Bursting

I don't know if I'm feeling a greater range of emotion because I've stopped taking my medication or if I'm just prone to feeling  at all because I've removed the highest stress-producers from my life, but I am nearly bursting with . . . happiness.  I hesitated to write that.  Is it really true?  Am I happy?  Is it that simple?  I got through it?  Is it over?

I've said it before, but it bears repeating.  Depression is like alcoholism, in my opinion.  It never really goes away.  You have the risk of "relapse."  The things that cause depressive episodes always reside in you and can rear their heads when you least expect it.  But for the first time in a really, really, really long time, I'm optimistic that I'm past this episode.  It was a year and a half of my life lost, but perhaps I have my future ahead of me again.

There are still things about me that frighten me, especially when I'm feeling hopeful, because there is so much to lose when things are better.  I still, occasionally, fall asleep fighting thoughts of my professional failures.  I still stumble to explain that I'm a "lawyer by training, but I'm not practicing right now."  Most of the time, that feels like sugar-coating, as does the "I am so happy to be spending this time with my children," argument.  I still struggle to shower on a daily basis or to bathe my kids as regularly as seems expected of me.  I still get up every day and feel like I should be doing something, going to a job, contributing in some way.

I see bright spots too though.  I spent an hour rolling around on the floor tickling my son this morning.  That joy has to be worth something.  I've been making dinner from scratch, without recipes, with things we have around the house - something that requires a creativity that I had completely lost for some time, and that I missed.  Parenting, taking the hard, right road, has gotten easier.  I'm engaged.  I make decisions based on what is best, not what is easiest, more often than not.

This balance, this dark countered by light, is recovery for me.  I'm bursting with hope, with happiness and while that is countered by caution, I'm going to turn my face toward the warmth of this optimism.

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Fake it 'til you make it

I've heard this, or some variation of it, a lot since I started this journey.  One of the hardest things about depression is that you feel awful, so you mope around and do nothing, which makes you feel more awful.  Therapists, family members, supporters, and well-wishers all say the same thing...do it anyway.  Get up, take a shower, get dressed, put on make-up, do your hair, have a cup of coffee, eat breakfast, even if you have no where to be.  Live like nothing is different.  Unfortunately, depression saps you of all motivation, so things like doing your hair and putting on make-up are simply nagging chores that you don't really have to do.

I suffer from this version of depression, especially now that I'm home.  I don't really have anything to shower for, to put real clothes on for, to eat anything before noon for.  I don't really have the motivation to do these things without specific consequences, which I don't have.  So I try to fake it.  I pretend that I have to be ready by a certain time in the morning.  I consider K's bus pick up my "event" for the day and try to be together by then.  It feels pathetic.  Sadly, I'm still faking it.  I haven't gotten better enough, yet, that I am doing these mundane things without them feeling like they're unnecessary chores.

In a very different context, though, I had a fake it 'til you make it breakthrough!  Last night was my first non-family Wildtree party.  While the hostess is a friend I have known most of my life, it was still my first official, not-completely-a-favor party and I was excited.  One of the things I always want to do is to voice why I'm doing Wildtree.  I have a juris doctor, for heaven's sake.  I feel the need to explain myself.  Under most circumstances, I'm pretty honest about how I landed where I am.  In this group, though, and at a party that was supposed to be fun and enjoyable, I didn't think the "I had a breakdown and couldn't continue to practice" was a welcome topic of conversation.  So my explanation went something like this:

I was working 50 hour weeks and no one was satisfied.  I was missing out on my life, my children were missing out on me, and it still wasn't enough time to satisfy my clients.  All true.  So, I decided to try and go more part-time, which was actually harder.  True.  So I quit.  I wanted to do something that gave me more time with my family because these early years will never come again.  I'll never get missed moments back.  As a happy side note, my kids are thriving.  Where we used to have weekends, while I was able to be home, that they were maniacs and I could hardly move without them clamping onto my legs and torso, I now have days on end with them and they KNOW I'll be here, so they don't need to cling.  I can actually clean my house with my two children at home.

There was laughter in all the right places, knowing looks when I spoke about how quickly childhoods pass, and a general sense of good feeling when I finished.  It was then that I realized that, although I had always seen that explanation as "spun," it was all true.  I focused on the positive aspects of what's happened and  the whole thing felt positive.  I expressed it how I wished it looked and realized that that's exactly how it looks, and I think I've made it.

I drove home last night feeling warm and happy.  Proud, even.  The party went well and I realized that this doesn't have to be some cautionary tale.  I can enjoy this new life and not feel like it was thrust upon me.  Let's even argue that it was thrust upon me, I can still like what I'm doing.  I truly love being home with my kids.  I really like selling Wildtree.  I don't mind having left the stress of my old work behind.  I'm settling in and I'm happier than I've been in a long time.  I'm so thankful that I don't have to fake those feelings.

Sunday, January 12, 2014

Love me for my mind

As a young woman in college, then law school, and then again forging my solo practice in the still male-dominated field of law, I have always given special value to my mind.  In fact, I gave it so much value that once I left the practice, there was little left about myself that I valued.

Today I read an article, aimed at young women, encouraging them to find someone who loved them for their minds.  This article focused on mind versus physical body.  Let him love you for your mind, your mental agility, your thoughts, rather than your physique.

I'm struggling with a different battle.  I valued my analytical mind and I have no real need for that at present.  I can still make articulate points, be wisely skeptical, and present a strong argument in favor of some position, but to what end?  What does that lend to my present life spending precious time with my gentle children or selling organic food products?  What is my mind's worth?

And worse, without the value of that mind, what is left?  What is MY worth?  It's been a difficult question for me.  I am realizing, though, that what is left is the head that is lead by my heart, rather than raw intellect.  I don't have to dissect complex problems to have a worthy or beautiful mind.  My mind is now full of whimsical concerns like how to introduce my children new things while out in the every day world.  I have room for imagination, to think about what I want my life, my space, even my expression, to look like.

Once again, I have the chance to contemplate what is joyful to me.  It's a question I had long since put aside for more "important" things like being sure I could make a worthy argument.  I'm thankful for my education.  I will likely use it again in a more traditional sense someday.  For now, though, I am grateful for a clear mind to explore what my heart and soul have to say about my life, rather than barreling through my existence because my mind was occupied by something other than living.

Saturday, January 11, 2014

Medication update

So I have been off medication for a week and a day.  My thoughts are clearer.  Depression creates a fog in your mind anyway, but upon adding medication to the top of that, I was losing a few hours a day to complete nothingness.  I was doing things, but I had little recollection of those things, particularly as I got tired toward the end of the day.  It's very hard to appreciate your life when you hardly notice what constitutes "your life."

I'm very pleased to have come to a place where I no longer need daily medication and weekly therapy.  I will also say that daily therapy in the hospital, group support and medication all saved me.  I might not have survived this experience but for the people and the advice they shared with me.  I am grateful that medications exist and I will rethink my strict "no medication" policy as I move forward in my life.  With that said, I am glad to be free of the altered state that, although not dramatic, was always what I had feared about taking medication for the depression I've battled throughout my short life.

I'm mostly feeling thankful for my life, for my family, for my friends who are family, and for this clarity that has allowed those things to come back to the forefront of my recognition.  The decent into deep depression took me months, almost a year..  The rebirth from that place has taken months as well, but looking back on those dark days and these brighter ones, I am happy to be where I sit today.

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Mantra

“Courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, 'I will try again tomorrow.'” - Mary Anne Radmacher


The days keep coming, I keep getting up and sometimes that feels courageous enough.  

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Disappointment

It's been a while since I've delved into my thoughts to determine HOW I was feeling.  This is a recurring theme for me, unfortunately.  I have a tendency to move through life without thinking.  On the one hand, it makes dealing with life's emotional experiences more palatable when they are bad.  On the other hand, I miss some of the most beautiful moments because I'm not in the moment.  In either event, it isn't how I want to live my life.

Today, I met with a new therapist.  My old therapist, whom I loved, recently went on maternity leave and isn't coming back.  While I think it will be beneficial to have new eyes on a situation that has grown stale to me, trying to explain the last year of my life is nearly impossible.  I tried.  I gave some of the "highlights."  I explained why I've ceased taking my medication and why I am still seeking talk therapy.  I talked about how I ended up in Rogers and why I don't feel like I'm all the way better.  And I surprised myself.

When talking about leaving my practice, what I want for my future and what I do see as positive in myself, I was surprised and disappointed to find that it is still raw...like, can't keep myself together in front of a total stranger, raw.  It occurred to me that I haven't cried since I last saw my previous therapist.  Although I think about it in terms of logistics regularly, I haven't come to terms with my realities yet.

I am disappointed to see where I really am when I actually think about it.  I don't think about it.  It's sort of my MO.  I keep moving, but I'm not moving forward.  I thrash in the water, but I'm not approaching the shore.  I experience disappointment, frustration, anxiety, sadness, and emptiness, but those emotions bring me no closer to resolving all of the bad things I'm feeling.  What's the point?

I'm pleased to be med-free and working toward a better tomorrow.  I am sad to realize how little I recognized about how much disappointment I am still feeling.  But tomorrow will come and I will still be here.

Friday, January 3, 2014

Winter

Lots of people out there suffer from Season Affective Disorder, aptly referred to as SAD.  Not this kid.  This weekend, I embark on an adventure in loving even this season's outdoors.  My husband and I and our two crazy friends will spend the next three days camping in the frigid Wisconsin winter.  When I say frigid, I mean it.  The lows will be fairly well below zero, with Sunday's high topping out at a whopping zero.

Why does this information belong in this blog, of all places?  Nature soothes me.  It always has.  There's no place I feel more alive and more myself than quiet and in the forest.  I love running water.  I love fallen trees.  I love the silence of the woods in winter.

I'm starting a new path too, today.  I am slowly going to stop taking my medication.  While it has proved helpful to get me through the worst of all of this, I have never liked the idea of it.  Medication alters my body in a way that I am not comfortable, chemically supplementing what I should be getting from my food, lifestyle and mindset.  So, while I will be cold, I will be exploring, feeling alive and embarking on the next step in this journey toward wellness.