So I have been off medication for a week and a day. My thoughts are clearer. Depression creates a fog in your mind anyway, but upon adding medication to the top of that, I was losing a few hours a day to complete nothingness. I was doing things, but I had little recollection of those things, particularly as I got tired toward the end of the day. It's very hard to appreciate your life when you hardly notice what constitutes "your life."
I'm very pleased to have come to a place where I no longer need daily medication and weekly therapy. I will also say that daily therapy in the hospital, group support and medication all saved me. I might not have survived this experience but for the people and the advice they shared with me. I am grateful that medications exist and I will rethink my strict "no medication" policy as I move forward in my life. With that said, I am glad to be free of the altered state that, although not dramatic, was always what I had feared about taking medication for the depression I've battled throughout my short life.
I'm mostly feeling thankful for my life, for my family, for my friends who are family, and for this clarity that has allowed those things to come back to the forefront of my recognition. The decent into deep depression took me months, almost a year.. The rebirth from that place has taken months as well, but looking back on those dark days and these brighter ones, I am happy to be where I sit today.