It's been a while since I've delved into my thoughts to determine HOW I was feeling. This is a recurring theme for me, unfortunately. I have a tendency to move through life without thinking. On the one hand, it makes dealing with life's emotional experiences more palatable when they are bad. On the other hand, I miss some of the most beautiful moments because I'm not in the moment. In either event, it isn't how I want to live my life.
Today, I met with a new therapist. My old therapist, whom I loved, recently went on maternity leave and isn't coming back. While I think it will be beneficial to have new eyes on a situation that has grown stale to me, trying to explain the last year of my life is nearly impossible. I tried. I gave some of the "highlights." I explained why I've ceased taking my medication and why I am still seeking talk therapy. I talked about how I ended up in Rogers and why I don't feel like I'm all the way better. And I surprised myself.
When talking about leaving my practice, what I want for my future and what I do see as positive in myself, I was surprised and disappointed to find that it is still raw...like, can't keep myself together in front of a total stranger, raw. It occurred to me that I haven't cried since I last saw my previous therapist. Although I think about it in terms of logistics regularly, I haven't come to terms with my realities yet.
I am disappointed to see where I really am when I actually think about it. I don't think about it. It's sort of my MO. I keep moving, but I'm not moving forward. I thrash in the water, but I'm not approaching the shore. I experience disappointment, frustration, anxiety, sadness, and emptiness, but those emotions bring me no closer to resolving all of the bad things I'm feeling. What's the point?
I'm pleased to be med-free and working toward a better tomorrow. I am sad to realize how little I recognized about how much disappointment I am still feeling. But tomorrow will come and I will still be here.