I'm hovering just below the surface of okay and just above the depths of disaster. It's my very own purgatory. I go through spurts where I stay in bed for hours and then get up and "accomplish" for hours. This is where it started for me before. Things look fine from the outside, but I'm struggling every moment on the inside.
I'm aware of it this time, whereas before I just felt out of control. I know that when my mind starts to spin in circles, it's okay to just let that drift around me, that I won't be able to sort it out and solve it all. At the same time, I am questioning every thing that I do again. Am I too lax with my kids' behavior? Is my house unreasonably messy? Did I spend two days in bed because I was really that sick or was it an excuse not to have to live that day? What else should I be doing?
Every time I give myself a break, I think it's related to strength. I'm too lazy to parent my kids better. A better person would keep a better house. Three years ago, when I was working my ass off, I wouldn't have taken two days off of work; I've gotten soft. I do nothing anymore.
I'm back there. I do have some cognizance, so it's not so dire yet, but it's pretty devastating to be here again and so soon after things looked so bright. (Dialog in my head: "Maybe you're just moody. If you just made a little more effort, you could be back there. Nothing has changed, just stop mooning over yourself." Sigh.)