I'm hovering just below the surface of okay and just above the depths of disaster. It's my very own purgatory. I go through spurts where I stay in bed for hours and then get up and "accomplish" for hours. This is where it started for me before. Things look fine from the outside, but I'm struggling every moment on the inside.
I'm aware of it this time, whereas before I just felt out of control. I know that when my mind starts to spin in circles, it's okay to just let that drift around me, that I won't be able to sort it out and solve it all. At the same time, I am questioning every thing that I do again. Am I too lax with my kids' behavior? Is my house unreasonably messy? Did I spend two days in bed because I was really that sick or was it an excuse not to have to live that day? What else should I be doing?
Every time I give myself a break, I think it's related to strength. I'm too lazy to parent my kids better. A better person would keep a better house. Three years ago, when I was working my ass off, I wouldn't have taken two days off of work; I've gotten soft. I do nothing anymore.
I'm back there. I do have some cognizance, so it's not so dire yet, but it's pretty devastating to be here again and so soon after things looked so bright. (Dialog in my head: "Maybe you're just moody. If you just made a little more effort, you could be back there. Nothing has changed, just stop mooning over yourself." Sigh.)
I can imagine that one of the worst things about depression in the self-doubt. So even if you’re plenty self-aware, you constantly question your own insight. Yuk. I wish I had the magic words or solution. I don’t; I have no idea what you are living with. But … I can offer this. I know the answer lies within. Inside each one of us lays our true essence. The trick is finding it, liking it, trusting it, believing in it, and letting it out for the whole world to see. As a person who has struggled with self-worth for a very long time, this is something I ponder quite regularly. Who am I?
ReplyDeleteSo, who are you? I know from the outside you are a beautiful, caring, funny person. That’s great and all, but it’s just the cover to the book. When I was beating back addiction a person once told me “f$%K everybody”. For me it was in the context of always trying to please everyone around me. Not what I needed to help myself. Maybe the same advice works for you? Who cares what your house looks like? Maybe you’re not supposed to be able to “muscle” through things?
So, are your kids healthy? Check. Are they fed? Check. Do they have clothes? Check. Do they have a mother that loves them? Check. Please take time to consider what you are doing instead of what you are not. And throw away your barometer; what other people think does not matter. This $0.02 is not much, but it’s mine and you can do what you like with it.
Your drunken friend.