I have this nagging feeling, like a lurking shadow, that I'm not yet well. I have been feeling good. I felt like it was the right decision to go off of my medication that was providing only moderate help. I have been optimistic. Yet the shadow is there. Am I really better?
I have had a less than stellar few days. I notice it in my unwillingness to undertake the effort of a shower. I see it in the number of days my kids go without a bath. I recognize it in my complete disinterest in what to eat. I don't really feel like going anywhere. We don't have any milk or cat food. I have piles of work that I want to do on my desk. And I really don't care.
I have been moody. Any yelling or disobedience sends me into a frenzy, trying to control my own frustrated temper. Crying children make me want to cover my ears and hide in the corner. I am shouting again. Am I not better?
I cancelled plans with a friend last night. Is that a telltale sign or is it simply that I wanted to watch the video I had started? I've been reading a lot. Do I love the plot or am I avoiding my feelings? Is there really any way to tell?
Each of these questions strengthens the sense of doom that shadows have always brought me. I so desperately want to be better. I don't want to believe that I need medication to be normal. Maybe this is just the aftermath of going off of a progressive medication. That's the trickiest part of mental health. There's no real way to measure health, except by how one feels, and I feel this complex web of feelings that just won't unwind enough for me to tell and the worry is lurking.