I have been many things in my life. Lately, I've defined myself mostly as disappointed and disappointing. I've suffered from various bouts of disappointment during my life, a failed test, a missed opportunity, an unacceptable outcome... But lately, it seems as though everything is wrong. It's not you, it's me.
I suffer from depression and anxiety. It is something I have learned to hide behind a well-developed facade. I have come to live in a world where I fear the knock at my door, the ring of my phone, my very shadow. I bark instead of speak. I succumb instead of sleep. I thrash instead of exist.
But I had a moment today. I have tried many, many things to feel better. I've changed my diet, trying to detoxify my system. I see a therapist. I have tried running. I rearrange my furniture. I write. I ride horses. I practice yoga. It was during an early morning yoga practice that I decided I was done thrashing. At the end of savasana, my eyes still closed, hands at heart center, I experienced a burst of orange light. I marveled at the glow I "saw" and I decided that I must simply feel better. It was as if the sun rose before my eyes, and yet, moments later when I opened them, the grey light of a winter hanging on too long met me through the window.
I found it difficult to find a concise explanation of the meaning of the orange aura, but that's okay for now. For now, it is a beginning. It is healing. It is hope.