Sunday, March 10, 2013

A beginning of sorts

I have been many things in my life.  Lately, I've defined myself mostly as disappointed and disappointing.  I've suffered from various bouts of disappointment during my life, a failed test, a missed opportunity, an unacceptable outcome...  But lately, it seems as though everything is wrong.  It's not you, it's me.

I suffer from depression and anxiety.  It is something I have learned to hide behind a well-developed facade.  I have come to live in a world where I fear the knock at my door, the ring of my phone, my very shadow.  I bark instead of speak.  I succumb instead of sleep.  I thrash instead of exist.

But I had a moment today.  I have tried many, many things to feel better.  I've changed my diet, trying to detoxify my system.  I see a therapist.  I have tried running.  I rearrange my furniture.  I write.  I ride horses.  I practice yoga.  It was during an early morning yoga practice that I decided I was done thrashing.  At the end of savasana, my eyes still closed, hands at heart center, I experienced a burst of orange light.  I marveled at the glow I "saw" and I decided that I must simply feel better.  It was as if the sun rose before my eyes, and yet, moments later when I opened them, the grey light of a winter hanging on too long met me through the window.

I found it difficult to find a concise explanation of the meaning of the orange aura, but that's okay for now.  For now, it is a beginning.  It is healing.  It is hope.

No comments:

Post a Comment