Originally posted on December 30, 2012....
I started this blog so long ago that I can't remember how long ago (okay, I know it was sometime before July of 2012). The point in that is, sadly, that I've felt this way for a very long time: unsatisfied. I wrote very seldom here, enjoying much more the funny stories that garnered likes, comments and shares of my other blog. Yet, I find myself still needing this outlet in what feels today like my sad, sad life.
I had published a post or two here, but someone came across the blog, someone whom I felt might use the honesty about how I really feel against me, so I deleted it. Immediately. Without any hesitation, without saving my words, and with fear. That should have been the tip off, right? That I should be terrified that someone came across something honest about myself? I either need to embrace who I actually am and not fear its disclosure, or I need to be someone other than I am and not hide behind a funny blog, or a life that I struggle to get up and live each day.
This is not all to say that I'm miserable day in and day out. That would be unfair. There are moments of extraordinary joy, usually at the hands of my amazing little loves. It is to say, though, that there are many, many more moments of deep, deep darkness. Aloneness. Emptiness. I sometimes spend hours wishing time would pass so that I could go to sleep, where one feels the ache of spending time aching less.
I am thoroughly lost in my own life. I have contemplated so many ways to "fix" things, to feel better. I have books that I don't read, memberships that I don't utilize, conversations in my head that never leave my lips, and far too many thoughts that float like snowflakes in a blizzard, so many that you can't really contemplate a single one from start to finish.
I know that this blog won't solve anything. I also know that I won't be completely honest here, although I may make every effort to make the ugliness eloquent. I know that I'll still feel like a fraud in my life, but I'm hoping that examining it will help me understand it, help me feel like I'm doing something to make it better and maybe, just maybe I'll be able to see better the beauty of the snowflakes in the storm.