I often describe my poor state of mind as "wanting to claw my own skin off." I am so tired of me. I'm so over the dialog in my head. Not only does it drive me insane, but I have come to believe that if anyone knew even a third of what went on in my head on a daily basis, no one would want to be anywhere near me. It's why I can't stand myself. It's also why I started with the facades that crumbled leaving me broken and ultimately, completely exposed.
There are horrible people in the world. Horrible things happen with no justification. People hate, hurt and ruin others out of spite and frustration at their circumstances. The more kindhearted one is, the more deeply one can be taken advantage of. I abhor that I feel like I have no choice but to play along in this ugly existence. Worse, I loathe myself for not being stronger, braver and individual enough to say I'm not doing it anymore and simply find my own way to live passionately. I did live passionately once, but it was long before I had children to role model for, a husband to be a wife for, responsibilities, expectations laid at my feet....I was young and unattached to anything that matters to me now. That was an easier time. I knew me then. It's harder to know this me that I've become under the strain of all the new expectations.
Sure, life is as simple as our choices. Yes, I can choose to go back to my line of work and do it differently, create better boundaries, better organize or I can choose to do something else and walk away. But no choice is really that simple. When I weigh the benefits, my happiness, my peace of mind, don't rank as high as the comfort and expectations of my family. When I consider the factors, it's impossible to pretend I live in a world where what I do doesn't matter because that's just not true. To someone, it will always matter and that someone is the someone I feel like I continue to disappoint. I don't even know what I want anymore, except to claw off my own skin.