Swirling

Back when this was all at its worst, I spent a lot of time lost in my head.  I could barely function on the outside and I was functioning even less in my head.  I wasn't lost in thought, I was drowning in a black hole, as if there was no air, no chance for a clear thought.  Sometimes getting better is a double-edged sword, like the skin around a wound that itches as it heals.

My mind has cleared and the fog that surrounded me has lifted.  In its wake is a barrage of thoughts. Too many thoughts.  For some reason, I seem incapable of a middle ground.  Either I'm completely empty or there is too much, even in thought.  Ironically, I think it's just a different version of the same thing.  Before, I struggled to push through, talk about or deal with my depression and anxiety.  Since that fog has left me, I am thinking about it, constantly.  How is it affecting me?  What has changed in the past nine months?  When did I get like this?  How do I avoid it?  Will I see it in my children someday?  Will I be able to help?  Is it even real?

Being able to think and feel is a better place, I have no doubt.  That still, stagnant place was lonely and dark.  This place is twisting and spinning and swirling in a new way.  I look forward to sorting these thoughts out, deciding who I am going to become and feeling the joy of the moments in my life.