I'm Listening

Although I'm starting to write, for the first time in my blogging history, I haven't come up with a title first.  That might sound dramatic, but I think it's rather significant.  Of course, there's a title now that you're reading it, but as I'm writing it, I'm letting it come to me.  In fact, the same is true for the content of this blog.  I'm letting it come to me.  Oh, I have a general theme or two I'm thinking of, but we'll see what comes of those.  Instead, I'm going to share a narrative and see where that leads.  

I started my new gig at the yoga studio today.  In what seemed like absolute fate, or as my master yoga teacher would describe it "a hole opening up in the universe," shortly before my teacher training was about to begin, my studio was looking for new reception staff.  I applied, despite the express warning from loved ones that I should prepare myself for disappointment due to my "over qualification."  It's true, of course.  Someone might look at my background and wonder what on earth happened to me that I'm seeking a reception position.  Fortunately for me, though, the studio owner already knew my deep dark secrets because she'd interviewed me for my training and, let's face it, I can't really explain why yoga is so important to me these days without an explanation of where I've been.

I came in for class on Saturday morning, a week after submitting my resume, and she greeted me with a huge smile.  She conspiratorially uncovered my resume from a stack of paperwork and confessed that she'd been meaning to call me.  She shared that the position would be nights and weekends and that she wasn't sure if I would be interested in light of my family obligations.  I was.  She said she'd call to set something up and off to yoga class I went feeling light as air.  

Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday went by and I started to panic that maybe I hadn't shown enough enthusiasm.  Just when I was starting to give up hope, I heard from her!  (Turns out I transposed two numbers on my resume and she had to track down my phone number.)  She confessed that she'd had a lot of applicants and the work was largely grunt work.  But she had an idea.  She had some projects that would better utilize my skill sets.  She still wanted me for the studio!  The work is so right up my alley.  It's like a hole opened up in the universe.

So, back to the beginning, I started today.  The first thing I noticed was how laid back things were.  When you're used to working on billed time (and expensive billed time), there's no room for chit chat, niceties or basic human consideration.  I once had a client ask whether he would be reimbursed for the time another attorney stopped in to say hello while we were waiting for a mediator to return after talking to the other party.  I was introduced to anyone that came in the studio.  I was given background on some of the cool people I'll be working with.  We talked about our families, our pets, our health.  Because there is only one computer, I had a bit of time to wait.  I picked up a few of the holistic and natural-themed magazines.  As I read them, I settled further into the state of relaxation and peace that began the minute I walked in the door.

As I sat there, immersed in that environment, I felt led.  Although I'd contemplated my next career move and how I might incorporate yoga, as something I feel passionate about, I hadn't yet tried to listen to what just felt right.  As I was reading, I wandered into my emotional self.  What have I done that feels good?  What do these significant, painful experiences reveal to me and how can I use them for good?  How can I incorporate a yogic lifestyle into my work, not just the hour a day I practice yoga?  How can I maximize the time I feel truly inspired?  

I'm a very closed person, or at least I have been these last few years.  I've felt so trapped by the individual masks I've been wearing:  lawyer, mom, wife, neighbor, daughter, sister, friend, woman.  I got so lost trying to do things right that I never considered what "right" was to me.  I might have mastered textbook right or magazine spread right or expectations of others right, but none of it fit.  

As I slip into something more comfortable with this very different path, a new, stronger me is emerging, an empowered me...the only "me" I have to be.  Pursuing these next steps in my life, I will remain aware of being authentic.  I will embrace me, even when my McDonald's coke habit doesn't jive with the vegan ways of so many yogis.  :)  It's who I am and I'm starting to believe that when I decide to be exactly who I am, no adjustments or apologies, good things will come.  

I have some big ideas about my future and while I'm not quite ready to share the details, or maybe they're not clear enough yet for me to piece together, I'm starting to recognize that letting things come to me, like blog titles, career paths or mentors, will yield happy, fulfilling results for me.