Tuesday, February 18, 2014

The Heaviness

My mind feels heavy.  It's too thick to feel, to reason.  I watch the hours of the days tick by waiting, only to realize that nothing is coming.  I am either in a state of complete defeat or desperation for change.  In defeat, I sit, silent, wishing "it" would be over.  I don't have the capacity to focus on what "it" is supposed to be.  Sometimes, in defeat, I grasp onto desperation.  What can I do to stop feeling this way?  I make pages and pages of lists:  things to do, habits to change, things that inspire me.  I frantically clean the house, rearrange my closet, work on my book, DO something, anything, but nothing makes me feel better.

It's like there is a disconnect from my mind to my body to my soul.  My mind has ideas and feelings it wants to instill into my soul, through use of my body.  Sadly, my mind can't convince my body to be consistent enough to impact my soul, which sits hollow.  Something broke in me, probably a long time ago, probably as a result of a thousand hurts and disappointments and betrayals.  Without realizing it, I think I wrapped my soul up tight, locked it in safe, and lost the combination.  Absolutely there have been times where its light has burst through the cracks and I have felt whole and alive.  Lately, my mind has missed the completeness that an unbroken, free soul brings to life.  

I know I'm missing something, I just can't find it.  And, to tell the truth, it's so much worse than those darkest days when I didn't realize that it, that I, was broken.  

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