You know when you're always trying and trying and trying to make things right and somehow, something keeps slipping through your fingers? That's a very frustrating feeling. Until it's devastating. Today was a day I was completely unprepared for. It was a day I'm not sue I will survive. It was a day that changed all of the choices I've made into avenues I had no choice but to take. Today I considered dying for the first time in a long time. It might be an easier outlet. Don't panic. I'm not planning anything. I would never leave my children with that legacy. I don't want them to ever feel like they weren't enough.
But I can't stop crying and I can't hide it from everyone. So far I've hidden it from my children, but they'll hear someday how badly mommy failed.