Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Still Drowning

So I have to formal diagnoses and one informal, related diagnosis.  I suffer from generalized anxiety disorder and major depressive disorder.  I also exhibit the symptoms of someone who suffers from PTSD, according to my therapist.  So there's all that.

My mood disorder (major depressive disorder) has been pretty well stabilized by medication.  While that's awesome.  My next question is, okay, so when can I stop taking the medications?  I don't like pumping this mind-altering stuff in my body and wondering whether I could function without it.

My anxiety is a completely different animal.  I still catch my breath every time a law-related commercial or show comes on the television.  I have anxiety attacks when I drive past firms that I have worked against.  I recently spent Thanksgiving at my in-laws and had a panic attack driving past one of their neighbors who is a former colleague of mine and had a "hard talk" with me a few weeks ago.  I spent most of Thanksgiving thinking about all of the family gatherings that included conversation about the piece of shit, deadbeat, disaster lawyer that they'd had the misfortune to hire.  I thought about all the scrutiny I am under without proper explanation.  I would apologize, but that puts me in jeopardy of accepting responsibility for every single thing that has ever gone wrong since I crossed paths with someone....because that's how that business works.

Admit nothing.  Show no fear.  Don't let them even smell it.

But I can't live like that and I don't want to live like this.  It aches to go through hours of days thinking about all of your perceived failures, all of the should haves and could haves.  It aches to have to be in silence in your own house, god forbid the doorbell ring unexpectedly, to feel safely away from all that's out there that causes more damage.  It's difficult for me to sit in my living room because of the windows.  It's difficult for me to sleep in a room where my children aren't.  It's difficult to breathe in this body, day after day, willing it, wishing it to finally stop this, but it's not in my control.

1 comment:

  1. Ask your therapist about EMDR and them doing it on you. Worked wonders for my anxiety and PTSD. Like a whole new person