Thursday, November 28, 2013


2013 has been the worst year of my life.  And yet, as I say that, I recognize what a treasure this year has been, as well.  I have so very much to be thankful for, and much of what I am thankful for has blossomed or surfaced in this dark, dark year.

I'm thankful, first and foremost, for my infinitely patient husband.  He has watched me writhe and fall so many times this year and he has lost none of his affection for me.  I know I have frightened him this year.  I feel I must have disappointed him.  I'm a shell of the person he wanted years ago, but he is still here.  He supports me.  He's silently, always exactly what I need.

I am thankful for my three sweet children.  As I have suffered, they have suffered, but they also spread so much joy.  They are forever loving, kind and forgiving.  There were days when, but for their hugs, I wouldn't have survived.  As for my eldest, who has had her own struggles this year, she has been a rock and an absolute joy.  K, I couldn't have made it through this year without your support.  I am devastated to think that it has come at a cost, yet I'm thankful to know that we will always share a bond that no one else can touch.  Here's to a better 2014.  

I am thankful for three incredible, generous, supportive, wonderful women that came into my life this year.  Who knew a boat in the street could be the start of so much?  You girls have welcomed me with open arms and made it feel safe to be exactly who I am.  You have seen me at my very worst and I look forward to years of a better me to come.  Regardless, you were there without judgment and I love you all for it.

I am thankful for my parents, both the set that I was given and the set that became mine when I married.  I know this was a difficult year for them too.  I can't fathom what it has been like to watch what I've been through without any capacity to fix it.  The love and support they have shown has been endless and so needed.  I have spent so many days feeling like a disappointment and they have never reflected that.  

I am so thankful for the wonderful young people that have become part of my family this year. A, M, H and S, this summer was a difficult one, as you all know.  Yet, I could count on a house full of laughter and joy every Wednesday.  You brought life to a place that needed it so badly.  Although our dinners have become seldom, I know it's only a matter of time before I'll see your precious faces again.

To my readers, friends, strangers, and support network, I am thankful for you.  I cannot express, nor would I expose, how much support I have received from the people out there.  I have gotten messages from friends, acquaintances, and even strangers, in support of my struggle this year.  To each and every individual that reached out to me, shared their own struggle or just offered a few words of encouragement, I don't believe I could have done this without you.  I needed this outlet, even with the backlash it has come with.  I needed to admit exactly who I am and what I was surviving to survive it.  I didn't do that for the support and I didn't expect it, but it has been ceaseless and amazing.  

So, as we celebrate this day of thanksgiving, and as the year comes to a close, I am grateful and thankful for so very much.  I am so lucky to have these few quiet moments in the morning to reflect on what has been a very full year.  I look forward to spending more moments recognizing the beauty in everything, even in a year like this has been.  

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