I still have bad days. I still have panic attacks so bad that I throw up. I still cry. I still startle at things that aren't really there. But I am getting better.
I have made a decision to wind down my practice. I have a few clients that I am hanging onto for various reasons. I will still be available to those that I can deal with, but I am closing my physical office and I'm scaling back dramatically. It's like a deep breath of fresh air after drowning.
I'm concerned about the future, but I'm not unable to function. I don't know exactly what I'm going to do, but I know that I am going to spend more time with my little people and focus more on love and less on fear. I'm going to pursue my passions.
I've started a home-based sales business that I'm actually really kind of excited about. I am registered to begin yoga teacher training in February, which I am downright blissful about. I am going to stay home with my kids during the day. I am going to live my life.
There are so many changes that I can't pinpoint exactly how I feel better. They adjusted my medication and I think we finally found the right fit. I have been blessed enough to become incredibly close with some wonderful, wonderful people. I have the support of my family and my friends. I have the forgiveness of the people that matter for all of the things that I feel are failures. I found enjoyment in simple things that I used to love, like cooking and hiking and laughing. I see the joy in my children's faces when they recognize the mommy that got lost for a while.
It's hard for me to revisit those darkest times, but I will. I have every reason to believe that I will have setbacks and I am realistic enough to know that I may be where I was again some day. Although I like to talk about what I dealt with in the past tense, I understand that it is still a present tense problem that is feeling better for the moment, but I will keep fighting and I will relish these calm times.
I will continue to write. I will continue to battle. I will continue to be grateful for all of the love and support I've been shown over the past six month. I won't ever get those six months back and they were life altering, but I'm glad that although they changed the topography of my existence forever, they did not break me forever.