Sunday, November 10, 2013

I Am Getting Better

I still have bad days.  I still have panic attacks so bad that I throw up.  I still cry.  I still startle at things that aren't really there.  But I am getting better.

I have made a decision to wind down my practice.  I have a few clients that I am hanging onto for various reasons.  I will still be available to those that I can deal with, but I am closing my physical office and I'm scaling back dramatically.  It's like a deep breath of fresh air after drowning.

I'm concerned about the future, but I'm not unable to function.  I don't know exactly what I'm going to do, but I know that I am going to spend more time with my little people and focus more on love and less on fear.  I'm going to pursue my passions.

I've started a home-based sales business that I'm actually really kind of excited about.  I am registered to begin yoga teacher training in February, which I am downright blissful about.  I am going to stay home with my kids during the day.  I am going to live my life.

There are so many changes that I can't pinpoint exactly how I feel better.  They adjusted my medication and I think we finally found the right fit.  I have been blessed enough to become incredibly close with some wonderful, wonderful people.  I have the support of my family and my friends.  I have the forgiveness of the people that matter for all of the things that I feel are failures.  I found enjoyment in simple things that I used to love, like cooking and hiking and laughing.  I see the joy in my children's faces when they recognize the mommy that got lost for a while.

It's hard for me to revisit those darkest times, but I will.  I have every reason to believe that I will have setbacks and I am realistic enough to know that I may be where I was again some day.  Although I like to talk about what I dealt with in the past tense, I understand that it is still a present tense problem that is feeling better for the moment, but I will keep fighting and I will relish these calm times.

I will continue to write.  I will continue to battle.  I will continue to be grateful for all of the love and support I've been shown over the past six month.  I won't ever get those six months back and they were life altering, but I'm glad that although they changed the topography of my existence forever, they did not break me forever.

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