I've been in this holding pattern for so long. I often think it's September and I feel like October and November have both passed me by. It's winter now, a time to retreat within, to wrap up in blankets and to contemplate. I feel like I've spent the last eight months in this winter, but somehow the rest of the world keeps spinning, moving forward, making progress. All of the contemplating I've done has left me here, in winter, right where I started. This depression started sometime the summer or fall of 2012. I can't believe I've lost an entire year. And yet, I have to keep hope that next year will be a year of growth and rebuilding.
There's a part of me, deep inside, that is hopeful. That part of me knows that this can't last forever and that, when you've met your worst self and survived it, the you that comes out of will be better, more empathetic and perhaps more capable. Yet, I just want to arrive. This world keeps spinning around me, but I feel still.
When I think about what I want my life to look like, I see a blank canvas. Some might feel encouraged that they have all that clean space to work with. For me, I'm just freaking out that it's not done. I didn't want my life to look like nothing when I was 34. I wanted to have an established existence. In many ways, I do. I have wonderful children, friends that feel more like family, family that loves and supports me. All the people around me are exactly what I would have painted on my canvas....but they can't "be" my existence. I have to figure out how to build MY life and MY future. Instead I watch the world spin, the people move, and I stand still in the middle wondering what my canvas should hold.
It's really hard to dig through the rubble of my imploded life, to set aside the few things worth salvaging and to walk away from those things that bring me no joy. It all looks the same when you see it all together. You really have to dig to see the difference. And I haven't had great strength to dig. I feel like I'm getting closer, but after a year and a half of depression, feeling like I'm getting closer still seems so far away from better.