Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Waiting for the Other Shoe

I've always felt that the other shoe was always just about to drop.  In grade school, being friends with the wrong people ended in tears, and often.  In high school, a good job and new friendships ended abruptly and entirely accidentally.  The week I landed a big case, I had a car accident.  When babies start sleeping through the night, they get sick.  When I'm finally starting to feel better, my life remains in chaos.

I want so desperately to believe in the good of people, in the good of the universe, but it feels like chaos.  There's no rhyme or reason.  There's no fair.  There's no right.  There is just chaos.  You do a good thing, a right thing, you kill yourself to take the high road, and it might just fall right back on you because no one cares and no one is making it right.  That's a frustrating place to exist.

You might try to be honest and thoughtful.  You might try to be considerate and understanding.  You have plenty of people out there who think you've done something worth achieving, but somehow someone else will always speak up to belittle you or to take away the satisfaction you might begin to feel.  It is heart-wrenching, crushing and damaging.

I can't get past this last piece.  I'm feeling so much better.  I'm doing many things differently and perhaps, most importantly, I am doing many things!  But the universe seems to want to have a laugh at my expense, or at least keep me humble.  So I am.  I am humbled and, for that, I can't find any lasting joy.  It is there and it is beautiful, but it is fleeting.  My mind won't let me rest in a comfortable place.  There is always anxiety, chaos, right around the corner.  And so, in the very best moments, I am tempered by the feeling that the other shoe will drop at any moment.  And I can hardly bear it.

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