Friday, November 22, 2013


To me, the term speaks of addiction.  In reality, a relapse is any recurrence of a past condition.  I am relapsing in my depression.  Yet, I wonder, can you relapse when you haven't yet been whole?  What is recovered?  How long do I have to feel okay before feeling like I'm falling down the rabbit hole is a relapse.

Down I go.  I long for the day when I can look back and know that, if this ever happens again, it's a relapse.  Today, although I feel as low as I did six months ago when my foundation crumbled beneath me, it seems just an extension of the same bout of depression.  Yet, I was doing better.  I was enjoying things in life.  I was not crying daily.  I was feeling.  Now, I'm back to that place where I want to claw my own skin off.  I long for a tattoo or an accidental injury.  Something that will make me feel something.

I need to shake all of this off and I just can't seem to.  I want to climb back out of the hole I keep stumbling down and I just can't seem to.  I want to be content and I just can't find it.  I'm lost in a strange world and I only want to find my way back home.  It has, thus far, been too much to ask.

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