To me, the term speaks of addiction. In reality, a relapse is any recurrence of a past condition. I am relapsing in my depression. Yet, I wonder, can you relapse when you haven't yet been whole? What is recovered? How long do I have to feel okay before feeling like I'm falling down the rabbit hole is a relapse.
Down I go. I long for the day when I can look back and know that, if this ever happens again, it's a relapse. Today, although I feel as low as I did six months ago when my foundation crumbled beneath me, it seems just an extension of the same bout of depression. Yet, I was doing better. I was enjoying things in life. I was not crying daily. I was feeling. Now, I'm back to that place where I want to claw my own skin off. I long for a tattoo or an accidental injury. Something that will make me feel something.
I need to shake all of this off and I just can't seem to. I want to climb back out of the hole I keep stumbling down and I just can't seem to. I want to be content and I just can't find it. I'm lost in a strange world and I only want to find my way back home. It has, thus far, been too much to ask.