Monday, November 25, 2013

Intention v. Instinct

I'm a big believer in "mind over matter."  The human mind is an amazing thing, capable of so much impact.  Unfortunately, when it is your mind that is broken, there's no power to fall back on.

I woke up this morning with the best of intentions.  That used to be one of my biggest hurdles.  I'd wake up with one or both of the kids, and I would be tired.  I would lay on the couch, under a blanket, not asleep, but not awake, for as long as I could before HAVING to get up and get the kids ready for their day.  I'd wait too long to be able to make a homemade breakfast.  I would be rushing the kids into their clothes before we absolutely had to leave.  I was often thankful that my eldest would play the computer for forty-five minutes, so she wouldn't be asking me for anything.  It was not how I wanted to spend my mornings, but it was all I could muster.

As things have improved for me, this was one of the first signs.  I was no longer a morning zombie.  I have been getting up and staying up.  I rarely laid on the couch, unless it was at the request of one of my littles.  Like today, I woke up with good intentions for the day and felt prepared to accomplish things.  For a while, that feeling stayed with me through the morning and the day, until today, that is.

I woke up with a list in my head.  I would do four things that have been weighing on me at work.  I would spend some time building my Wildtree world.  I would clean the basement and organize the files down there.  I would shovel the delightful snow that, when I woke up, gave me a sense of new beginnings.  When I returned to the house, I sat on the couch.  I was going to relax for a bit until I started (a procrastination habit that comes from the intense stress I feel when I start to work).  I was cold, so I snuggled under a blanket.  I put a documentary on and slept for three hours.  I had even set an alarm, but when I'm in a state like that, the alarm barely registers as I turn it off.

I had really good intentions.  Now, the battle will be, what can I accomplish in four hours, instead of seven?  I can probably do all that I intended to do the first go around, but I'm already imagining taking a break for lunch or setting an alarm before I have to start.  It is most frustrating when your intentions are at odds with your instincts.  My intentions are good, my instincts are to hide.  My instincts are strong, raw, survivalist.  My intentions are good, but they're fighting a stronger opponent.  It's difficult to exist when I am always at odds with myself.  I can't mind-over-matter this.  And so I sit, wishing I was doing anything else, but seemingly unable to coax myself into movement.


  1. I can relate to this. I often feel like my anxiety about my ability to start/finish a work difficult task paralyzes me. I procrastinate to the point where the stress is further exacerbated. Hang in there and do what you can.

  2. Thank you for blogging. I often struggle myself with depression and anxiety mostly over being a mom. I do the opposite and work all the time so I don't have to parent. Maybe we can help each other. Thoughts and prayers are with you